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Final Fantasies 1 and 2 are now available for download in the app store for the steep price (for iPod/iPhone, at least) of $8.99. That’s not $8.99 for a package deal either. You’re going to pay close to $20 after tax if you want to enjoy both games from the convenience of your phone.

The games are a port of the PSP versions of the game. Except that it’s more choppy on the iPhone/iPod if the reviews are any indication. And Square-Enix cut out all of the cutscenes that provided a little value-added for gamers who bought the PSP version. And the controls aren’t nearly as intuitive since they’ve had to graft a touch screen interface onto games that were originally designed for a blocky NES controller.

And you have to ask yourself a simple question: “Do I really need another port of the original Final Fantasies?” I can see some of the excitement when Final Fantasy 2 finally came to the U.S. (legally) for the first time, but at this point these games have been repackaged and re-released so many times that I wouldn’t be surprised to find there’s a version available for my toaster that utilizes revolutionary new crumb processing to generate the graphics and convection current manipulation to move the characters.

Final Fantasy has 4.5 stars so far while Final Fantasy 2 has surpassed that to sit at a solid 5 stars after a few dozen reviews apiece, but don’t let that fool you. Most of the reviews boil down to “Wow! Final Fantasy on my iPhone! I’m so desperate for anything approaching a recognizable video game at this point that I will grasp and inflate the rating of anything that comes close to replicating the experience of a real portable gaming system!”

I’m paraphrasing. Slightly. But sheer amazement that a particular game is available on a platform is not a good reason to go out and spend your hard-earned money on said game.  Don’t be that guy or girl. If you absolutely must buy Final Fantasies 1 and 2 then there are far better versions out there.

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There are still people out there who swear that Final Fantasy VII is the greatest installment in the series.  I always thought that the game’s popularity was mostly due to a perfect storm of new technology that saw FF7 become the first sprawling next-gen 3D RPG at a time when the Internet was starting to make its way into the fringes of the mainstream.

Of course in retrospect the game just doesn’t hold up all that well.  The plot is nigh incomprehensible thanks to bad writing and a poor translation.  The art design is spotty at best, and the Full Motion Video that was so revolutionary at the time barely compares favorably with what the DS or the PSP puts out as a matter of course today.

Anyways, all of that pontificating about Final Fantasy VII has nothing to do with the content of this post.  Really I’m looking for an excuse to test out embedded video with the new site layout, so above is a video of the opening scenes of FF7 rendered in 8-bit graphics that look like they owe more to PC graphics of the early ’90s than the NES.  But the NES is what most gamers remember, so it’s the system getting the credit in the linkstorm.  Enjoy!

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I’ve been playing through Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions on the PSP the past few days.  I picked up where I’d left off about a year ago with Ramza about to go and save his sister, but before I did that I wanted to unlock the Dark Knight on Ramza.  I figured by the time you’ve jumped through all the hoops to unlock the Dark Knight you’re already powerful enough that you can take on anything in the main storyline.  I had no idea precisely how true that would turn out to be though.

I was going through the dungeon trying to save Alma and having a decent time of it.  All of the battles were over in 1-3 turns.  Then I got to the fifth battle and hit an enemy that had two forms.

I knew something was up at this point.  Square was lousy with bosses that went through multiple forms, but they were usually reserved for the grand finale when snatching victory from your grasp in the form of a one-winged angel with an annoyingly long summon animation was common practice.  I found myself wondering if I the final boss of the game was really only 50-something.  Two turns later I found out I was right as the credits rolled.

My party was powerful enough that I breezed through the five “final bosses” of the game in roughly two turns apiece.  That’s the strategy gaming equivalent of one-shotting your enemy.  I don’t know if this is a testament to my compulsion to unlock the most powerful characters and items in a game before moving forward in the story or if it’s just a symptom of Square’s design philosophy of the time that made the final boss a pushover compared to some of the optional side quests that completists could tackle.

I still think that the original Final Fantasy Tactics is one of the best hybrid strategy RPGs ever made, but the shallow difficulty curve towards the end of the game has left me more than a little underwhelmed.

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I’ve been trying to get into the Final Fantasy IV remake for the DS, I really have, but did they have to make all of the characters look like medieval bobblehead dolls?  I’m not against revamping graphics on an old game as long as it improves the overall presentation, but I’m only about twenty minutes in and already the character design is driving me to distraction.  Perhaps I’m picking at nits, but it’s difficult to develop any sir of emotional investment in characters when they look like they would be more at home on the dashboard of a late 70s Firebird.

Not to mention that everyone looks and sounds like barely pubescent teenagers.  When I played the 16-bit version of Final Fantasy IV I had a mental image of Cecil as a grizzled and battle hardened commander grown weary of the world after one battle too many in the service of a king he no longer trusted.  The voice acting and character design has transformed him into the same androgynous pretty boy protagonist who is barely old enough to vote, let alone have a distinguished military career, that we’ve come to know and despise from the good folks at Squeenix.

Honestly, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised to see Tellah reimagined as a rebellious “old” twenty-something with an androgynous voice and plenty of Xtreme attitude.  I’m going to power through to see if the game remains compelling enough after all these years to make character design inconsequential, but at this point i’m starting to seriously wonder if hitting my mid-20s (which would qualify me for a senior citizen discount in most Final Fantasy settings) also means I’ve thoroughly aged out of Squeenix’s target demographic.

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Virtual Boy system and controller.

I’ve been on the lookout for a Virtual Boy for a few weeks now. All of the Gameboy coverage over at Retronauts this month got me to thinking about Nintendo’s red-screened stepchild, and playing through Six Golden Coins has only added to my desire to revisit Wario Land on the ‘ol VR headset.

The Virtual Boy was a much maligned system at it’s debut, and its reputation hasn’t much improved in the intervening years. Most gamers remember the system as an uncomfortable source of neck and eye strain due to the unfortunate positioning of the device’s headstand and its migraine-inducing binocular display that was born from the bastard spawn of an eye-exam machine and a foul demon intent on ruining children’s vision. Industry analysts remember it as the first chink in Nintendo’s armor as they arrogantly coasted out of the 16-bit era they had dominated into an uncertain future that would see Sony quickly claiming their throne with the Playstation.

The Virtual Boy was all of those things, but I still reserve a soft spot in my heart for the little red mutant system. I suppose it’s true that you can love almost anything viewed through the lens of indiscriminately overpowering nostalgia.

I was at a Meijer in early ‘96, my pockets were flush with Christmas cash, and the Virtual Boy, already on its deathbed so soon after its launch, was on sale for cheap. I picked up the system and two additional games for a grand total of $75. This was no small investment to a junior high kid with no steady income, but well worth it to have a fancy next generation portable system at a bargain price.

Sure the stand was a literal pain in the neck. I solved that one by playing while laying down with the stand resting on my chest and was quite comfortable. Sure the binocular viewscreen had a tendency to strain the eyes, but after adjusting it just so I found a settin I could play with no more discomfort than I’d already come to expect squinting at the blurry green postage stamp that passed for a screen on the Gameboy. And what’s more, the games were actually pretty fun, delivering a rich portable gaming experience that wouldn’t be matched until the Gameboy Advance a few years later.

Eventually I sold my Virtual Boy to my brother. I was moving away from gaming as high school and dating loomed on the horizon, and the Virtual Boy would be the last console I bought until I grabbed an old Super Nintendo in college heralding my return to console video games.

I had my brother pull the Virtual Boy out of storage this past weekend to get in a few games of Wario Land, but the right screen was ruined to the point of making games unplayable. So for now it seems that the Virtual Boy will remain in my gaming past, but it was a fun little system while it lasted, no matter what anyone else says.

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